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carteblanche *Who do you think we are, special forces in an armoured car? - blog4u.pl

Who do you think we are, special forces in an armoured car?


25-07-2014 FUCK YOU, NO.

Kto i kiedy podpisał dokument, że każdy ma mieć konkretny z góry ustalony zawód, huh? No kto?

Gdybym chciała sprecyzować całą moją przyszłość z góry, miałabym jeszcze rok technikum do skończenia. On a side note, dobry pomysł i prawie to zrobiłam. Anyway.

Opcja clearing, History & Politics BA. 
Opcja 1, Psychology BA.

1 określa zawód tak samo jak clearing, a to o clearing ludzie pytają "co ty będziesz po tym robić?"

Czy to znaczy, że każdy komu mówię "idę na psychologię" myśli, że będę psychologiem? Because fuck you, NO. 

Mogę robić różne rzeczy po różnych studiach. Whole bunch of things. Nie idę na psychologię, żeby prowadzić terapię, nie poszłabym na historię i politykę, żeby być historykiem/politykiem. NIE.

Idę na studia, żeby mieć kwalifikacje. Żeby się czegoś nauczyć. A nie szufladkować się w jednym zawodzie, ok?

I to nie to, że nie mam planu. Mam vaguely drafted plan of what I'm gonna do after. Ale nie dam się wsadzić w przegródkę jednego zawodu. If anything, I can always make my own job. It's being qualified that matters, not the title.

21:54:17 25/07/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj

04-07-2014 Fallback? Kinda.

Wakacje są nudne kiedy są za długie. 

Wakacje pewnie przestaną być nudne jak dostanę wyniki.

(I czemu do cholery nikt mi nie chce dać pracy? Guys, hello, I'm damn perfect for the job. Whatever the job is.)

Był plan A, był plan B, był plan C i D. Plany się pomieszały, plan A to juz nie A, plan C to A, i zapomniałam jaki był plan D.

Fallback? Not really. Not that kind of girl.

Złożyłam na pakiet 32 points + matma na 5. Insurance to 35 points. Logika? Nah.

Złożyłam na UW, bo zawsze wracam do W. O ile dwa miesiące po, wiem że ani pakiet A, ani pakiet B nie mają zbyt dużych szans powodzenia, zakładam, że UW mnie przyjmie. Przeliczyłam hipotetyczne punkty raz, pewnie źle, bo wyszły głupoty (see? math grade 5? don't think so.)
Ergo: ego bigger than my ass. Ego bigger thank Tony Stark.

Dzień przed podaniem vague punktów? A co jeśli na UW będzie za mało?

Well, shit. I put myself there.

Thank fuck for World Cup, I can be more stressed about games than my results.


Po pięćsetnym pytaniu na co i gdzie idę (na obiad z sześciu dań, cholera jasna) I am proud (no, not really) to announce that I have reached a conclusion. Nieważne na co i gdzie, bardziej się liczy, że wiem co chcę. Albo czego na pewno nie chcę.

Fo fuck's sake, world's big enough. I can work on a bleedin' ranch in Australia, ok? I'll do whatever. Maybe I'll join the fucking army, for all I care. Childhood dreams, right?


So. Current status: bored, sick, ambitious but rubbish. 

23:41:37 4/07/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj


No, this is not entertaining. Not in the least. I read half of a sentence and it feel like it's too much.
Actual real-world applications? Yeah, sure. Theoretic notation? No.

3 pages more to write. God save me.

There was this quote or another somewhere. That what you do hen you procrastinate is what should be your job.

In which case I should probably spend my days with all the weapons possible, because last week I had no idea what a main gauche is and that's the coolest thing I've learned in quite some time. Which also applies to several models of sniper rifles. At which point I should mention that I've been doing integrals for two weeks and I still barely know what I'm doing. Checked a sword once, and I remember it all.

Apparently my attention span is highly selective.

I swear, give me something that has violence in it and I will write 6-12 pages overnight. Theoretical maths? Not so much. Except for that one paragraph about Prisoner's Dilemma and Cold War. 

01:13:39 17/03/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj


Whenever I work long into the night my existence is based solely on tea. Cup, another one, one more. 
Just simple instant tea from a bag, black, no sugar, no milk, let's appreciate the lack of finesse and the bitter aftertaste.

Two. Focus. Day-time sessions. There's wine, the slightly bitter, light taste on the tongue, grounding and directing in the middle of chaos and cacophony of sounds (radio, CD, tv show - everything is ON). Like the CO in the middle of fighting.

Snap. Three. Coffee's for when there's no work to be done. Coffee's a pleasure. Bitter, granted. But. No expectations, no false hopes. Strong, bitter pleasure, stripped naked, no strings attached.
The drug of choice.

[The rest is appearances. Tonic, for I'm the one in control. Juice, for modern, sociable, your regular teenager. Latte, for I couldn't be faking more. Sweetened coffee, for I'm not scary, really. Water, for action mode, please speak to me in abbreviations and hand me a gun.]


10.40 pm. So. Tea it is. Biscuits replaced by mathematical models of conflict and decision-making. (See? It's always conflict situations with me.)

The last effort, finish it today, send, the minor corrections (minor, because I'm lazy and really, I've better things to do), hand in, by monday everything will be prettily wrapped up.

And then repeat, repeat, repeat, everything on repeat. There's no "last effort".  Effort continues all the time, that's what makes it all worthwhile. 

7 weeks, or so. Change of attitude is a miracle. Why get stressed when I can enjoy it?

22:44:38 13/03/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj

10-03-2014 NOTE TO SELF


obożeobożeoboże koniec roku za 7 tygodni, matury za 8, za 10 będzie po wszystkim.
nie, za 7 będzie po wszystkim, bo matury przeżyję na adrenalinie i kawie, więc nie będę świadoma niczego. 
Ergo: za 7 tygodni koniec fucking christ on a bike NOW'S THE TIME TO PANIC

but, approach 2: 7 weeks - period, everything ends, absolute amen. so no matter what happens, and what I do and write, it will be definitely over and if I will be awake at 4 am it'll be because of a book, a tv show or because in general life is fucking pretty, and maybe I feel like practicing fencing footwork at 4 am.

and, approach 3: 7 weeks, and it'll be my only fucking chance to prove how much I'm worth and how good I am. HEY, LOOK, A FIGHT! A FUCKING CHALLENGE! now, that's some excitement and potential trouble to look forward to. how could I ever even consider putting back a bit of excitement?

Approach exams with care. Approach exams with exhilaration. Approach it with a cocked gun, with a main-gauche drawn, with a pretty amazing suit and a psychotic glee as you preapre to shooy a melon of someone's head. 

21:24:31 10/03/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj


I am going to risk a dangerous and potentially damaging statement.

I might be semi-happy.

Yep, sounds terrible. But I've been thinking about this and I may actually be getting more and more satisfied. 
Obviously when I come home at ungodly hour, still with deadlines clouding over my head, for a moment I feel like I'm done.

But then I start feeling good. Granted, that alone is a strange occurance, but it gets properly weird, when I don't mind making notes on derivatives at 4am. 

To the point. I genuinely feel good. 

I'm starting to appreciate what I can do. Only the tiniest bit, but still. I haven't given up on thought that I'm basically piece of shit, and really, there're so many so much better, cleverer people than me that I could just give it up and start thinking about a mundane civil servant-or-something future. The thoughts are still there, but only rarely and what actually makes me a tiny bit proud, I' putting resistance. Unconciously, no intention, I just start thinking stop, don't go there, that's bullshit and you know it. 

Back to the point, I feel confident enough to talk and joke with people, with absolutely no regard for what is others opinion about them. I don't care if A is weirdo, S is a proper nerd and whoever else is stupid/naive/anything really. 

If I feel good sitting on a couch and discussing Pokemon Ruby, that's what I'm going to do for two fucking hours.
And if I feel like sticking tiny, colourful sticky notes to J's hair I am going to.

 Plus obviously the last one, with speaking my mind. Which once wasn't a problem, or maybe I was actually too outspoken, and then became a fuckton of problems, and it's like a fucking sinusoid, cause I'm getting back to the good point. Sure, not always, sometimes I catch myself at the last moment and decide to shut the fuck up, cause people are going to have better things to say than me.
Well, actually they don't, which I should freaking know. But I'm getting there, and I've done it accidentaly last week. Which should pretty much convince me, that people may be wrong, or may not find the right words for what they mean, but I actually do. And I've got the point. Cause I'm fucking right, okay?
I'm not going to sit there fucking ashamed of having opinions and various interpretations. If I know the answer I'm going to give it, period.


So yeah. I'm pretty much on my way to be happy. I'm happy with socialising and having people to talk to, and I'm very fine with being proud, and the last thing that's left is to stop comparing myself to the rest of the fucking world, which thankfully I've limited already, and do the best that I can. Which should be enough, because I can be damn good. 

So there's one immediate goal, because I'm going to get the rest of uni replies, and whatever they are, I will choose the best one, and the second best one as "insurance" and I will do as best I can to get there.

And the long-term thing, is to stop comparing. There's no need for looking up to people, which in the past I've done maybe two or three times, and I'm not going to do it. Just stop comparing. 
And another long-term one, to stop thinking in the box. Which I've already done, so more like, to think even more outside the box. 


God that one's long.


23:06:18 24/02/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj


So, the last free day I'm going to spend being miserably bored alone. Well, who'd bloody guess?

I could be an adult about it, I obviously could take it like a man, because it's clearly nothing. Probably should.

Well (predictably), I'm going to take it as fucking dishonourably as I bloody can, with loud music, sitting in a bathtub for too many hours, breaking someting and talking to myself. With coffee and alcohol making guest appearance. Whisky would be too damn dignified, wine way too dramatic. Gin & tonic should be quick work. 

Or a bottle of rum. And yo-ho-ho.

Or I'll just make martinis, cause I'm that much of a drama queen.

20:33:48 13/02/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj

26-01-2014 To be deleted

/In all seriousness, to be deleted./

Done, abso-fucking-lutely done. I do not need this shit.

Nie chce mi się nic, nie chce mi się nawet zrobić dwóch kroków do kuchni i zrobić herbaty, bo nie wiem czy naprawdę mam ochotę.

Chcę tylko spać, leżeć w łóżku, cały czas spać. Wszystko jest źle, a jeśli coś jest dobrze to nigdy nie jest wystarczająco dobrze i mogłoby być lepiej. A jeśli mogłoby być lepiej to znaczy, że jest gorzej, jeśli jest gorzej to moja wina. (Sound logic, right? Something is wrong, said something concerns me, in conclusion I've done something wrong.) 

Rzeczy których mam dosyć, in no particular order: egzaminy, mocki, sprawdziany, kawa, herbata, ludzie, włosy, książki, zima, lód, życie, wszystko.

Tydzień do ferii, piekło na ziemi a nie tydzień, ale pierwszego tygodnia ferii i tak de facto nie ma, bo trzeba będzie oddać internala z matematyki.

Dwa uniwersytety na pięć odpisały, conditional offer, jeśli utrzymam predicted grades, a nawet trochę mniej, jestem przyjęta. Nawet mnie to nie cieszy. Jeszcze mnie nie przyjęli, poza tym drogo jest, poza tym matury jeszcze nie zdałam, first and foremost, nie ja jedna dostałam odpowiedź, to jest normalne, nothing to be excited about. Zawsze jest jakieś ALE.

Nic nie wystarczy, szczęście jest nieosiągalne, człowiek nigdy nie osiągnie satysfakcji. Nie pamiętam który to nurt, ale mieli rację. I prawdopodobnie depresję. Prawdopodobnie większość się zabiła. Z takim podejściem, nic dziwnego.


I'm not happy with anything, probably the worst thing that could happen now that exams have tsarted and all the shit's coming down.
Please send help, preferably help that will make me optimistic, confident, smart, at least a bit pretty.
This be official call for help, because there'll never be a real one, I don't have gots to ask for anything. 

22:48:41 26/01/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj

12-01-2014 Long time, no see

Filing universit applications is a bitch. And the bichest to ever bitch is personal statement.

W 4,000 znaków opisz dlaczego jesteś idelną kandydatką na 5 różnych uczelni i zupełnie inne kierunki. Hooray!

Nie cytuj, nie bądź arogancka, nie bądź przesadnie skromna, nie pisz ogólnikami, unikaj oklepanych przykładów, unikaj popularnych słów, ale nie używaj trudnego języka. Fuck this absolutely utter buggering shit.

Dobre uczelnie chcą widzieć, że jestem dedicated w stosunku do wybranego kierunku. Że jestem wyjątkowo zainteresowana. Haczyk. Jak pokazać, że jestem dedicated, jeśli to samo PS idzie na różne kierunki? Jak przekonać ludzi, że jestem jednakowo zainteresowana psychologią, jak wojnami, i że mam pojęcie o przedmiocie?

Nie wspominając o cenach akademików i wysokości stypendiów, bo fuck my ass, to jest zupełnie inna kategoria problemu.

PS siedzi mi na tyłku niczym wyjątkowo drażliwy wrzód w rowku od prawie miesiąca. A czasu mało. W porządku, mam jakieś academic experience. Nawet related do przedmiotu. Do obu, actually. Problem stanowi A) podanie konkretnego przykładu z psychologii, który udowodni, że jestem zainteresowana. Nie znam konkretnych teorii, znam tylko kilka przykładów psychopatologii. I B) język. Pisać wyrafinowanie i ryzykować błąd, czy pisać zwyczajnie i ryzykować mniejszy błąd?


And the last issue? Dlaczego w ogóle zawracam sobie głowę podaniem na War Studies? Zależy mi na psychologii. Proste powody. Szerszy zakres, więcej możliwości pracy, no i wiadomo, reputacja "porządnego" kierunku. Możliwe profilowanie, plus MA in criminology/war studies. 
Yet still, na liście wyborów mam War Studies. Tylko i wyłącznie po to, żeby udowodnić, że mogę się dostać, że to kierunek szyty dla mnie na miarę, i połechtać swoje ego. A potem zrobić tam MA in Intelligence&Security.  

01:14:44 12/01/2014 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj


Not going, as weather went to hell. 

That's probably the most reasonable decision in my life. T is still going, actually she's hell bent on going, and I'm genuinely happy for her, I only wish I'd be able to do the same.

So, I really hope that my if-I-have-a-single-doubt-I-don't-do-it rule works and that I'm doing the mysterious "right thing". Although one thing picked up from Sharpe books (yep, because that where I take "life wisdom" from) is that, essentially, you never know if you're doing the right thing. 

And as reasonable as it is, I really hate myself more than ever.


NOT a right decision, I can feel it. I have a distinct feeling that I'm missing A fucking LOT. I should stop caring about weather conditions. Really what's the chance that the bus would stop in a field because of fallen tree or something? What's even the chance that it'd crush? God, am I stupid. And really, it'd be genuinely relaxing to have a 10hrs bus ride at night. Or funny/adventurous. Even if the bus broke in the middle of nowhere, I'd get some experience at least. And I had the bloody option to leave mum and go alone. really, bringing mum along was the reason I was worried.

Well, what's done is done. I'll just carry on being stupid.

20:18:09 6/12/2013 [komentarzy 0] Komentuj